Posts Tagged ‘Night’

I carry around with me this sadness in my heart, a sadness which is underlying, not hidden – but still not visible in everyday life.
And this sadness can be triggered by the simplest of things.

Like in sociology, where we’re reading The Communist Manifesto. Manifesto. Just this one word is enough to send my sadness pulsing through me. There are many manifestos out there, but there are only two I am familiar with; the communist one, and Breivik’s. And then I get really sad.

Or like in criminology. Our professor mentioned the ongoing protests, and talked about how they’d been going on “over the summer”. And then I was emotionally overwhelmed with sadness. The summer, huh? Other things happened “over the summer”, which I was more focused upon.
But he moved on, talking about Emil Durkheim, and explained his study on suicide. Suicide. That was enough to trigger both memory and sadness again. It comes pulsing, crashing through me. And all I want to do is pick up my stuff and leave, to find myself an abandoned corner of the school to sit down and cry. But then I have the academic curiosity, as well as the deep, dwelling desire to move on. And so I stay. Only to get distracted by a picture of a cop. And so it all comes back.

But the worst is when I’m in town, either driving by on the bus, or walking through/around, and I see a real, live cop. Just a bobby, out on patrol. Then I don’t get sad. I get scared. Really fucking scared. All my instincts screams out, telling me to back up, move away, run if I can or have to, but “just get the fuck away from there!” And I hate that. Obviously I don’t do as my instincts say, I calm down and continue on my way to wherever I’m supposed to be. But I recent myself and my mind, my painfully obviously strained mental health, for letting me fear so irrationally and desperately the sociopolitical/criminological organ I love and respect because I know they are there to make our lives safer and to protect us. I know this, and yet my stomach twists and turns in knots, I get nauseous and light-headed, overwhelmed with terror and fear for my life when I see them. It’s so irrational, specially coming from me, who had no part of what happened over summer, I get furious with myself for even reacting this way. When I’m done being angry with myself, I get sad again. And when I can cope with my sadness, my body is left empty and drained.

These emotional trips varies from lasting a few seconds to hours and days.  Who am I to have such fears, when I did not even have to go through any such horrors as my friends, comrades, acquaintances and other youths on that island? I was not even a bystander. And I don’t count myself among those who were directly affected by what happened. I had no close connections with anyone who were there. And yet I dare be scared and sad on the behalf of them, them being a minority of people whom I have never, and may never, seen or spoken with? Of course, I knew of a few of the people who were there, and I’m from such a small rural village that I had close friends who were/are close friends with those affected. But I am not among those people. Even so, my brain has the nerve to react like this, like I was there. Of course, even though I was not physically there, my subconsciousness has taken the privilege to portray myself and my friends, family and other acquaintances placed on that island on the day of horror, displaying every single death, every singe drop of blood spilled, to my inner eye whilst I am sleeping. And when I’m resting. I’m under strain, in a constant battle with my body and my mind, distracting myself to the point where I can rest for some time. Sleeping is not easy, because even if I was not there, I still feel like I was. I have been there in my head, so many times, over and over, seeing my loved ones die. Seeing people I have met, under any circumstances, disintegrate in front of my very eyes, like it was real, like it was really happening, over and over and over and over and over and it’s a never ending cycle of bloodbath in my subconsciousness. I am left drained of all energy and to a certain point; lifeless. I was not even there, but in my own, selfish, ignorant way; I might as well have been.

I am dysfunctional and off balance, not to the point of lunacy, but to a point where I question my own intentions. Because I feel like I am alone in being like this, as I should be and hope I am, but being alone in something means there are no one to talk about this with. And so whenever the appropriate topic comes up in a discussion, I find myself bending it one way or the other, twisting the focus to me and to what happened. So I question myself. Am I really as upset and unbalanced as I feel, or do I feel like this simply because I am an attentionwhore? Do I actually need someone to talk to, or with, or do I just have the need to have people feeling sorry for me.
Seeing as my dreams have mainly consisted of night terrors ever since then, and I feel like I’m feeling all these overwhelming emotions, I am tempted to believe these are the actual conditions, but even so, I cannot help but wonder.

I should leave things at this for now, and go find my happy place for some time.
I might actually need it 🙂

– L A♥

 

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I am contemplating becoming a vlogger, something I believe I have previously mentioned.
I DO think it is fun to record different scenes and editing really isn’t too bad. Except from, you know… the cost of the software :p I downloaded a trial of Corel VideoStudio Pro X3, and it made me realize two things:
1) there is no way I can settle for anything LESS than Adobe Premier Pro (C3/C4)
and
2) making shorts with the only purpose of posting them on Youtube is sort of fun 🙂

Anyone remembering me mentioning this from earlier? xD

Oh well. Now, I’ve been offered conditional offers at 4 out of 5 schools, and the last one has yet to reply.

Lancaster
–  Sounds like a really nice school, but they’re bad at giving out information. My grades are good enough to be accepted at this school, but it’s sort of… pricy. I have yet to search out all the information the internet can provide me with, so I’m still not sure whether this will be a “yes I think so” or “nah, not so sure” school.
Essex
–  Really excellent when it comes to the information bit; both in the mail, and on the internet. The only hindrance in my understanding of their offer, school and various other information, is my own lack of knowledge and understanding of terminology. I should probably have done some more research before applying. xP Campus looks great, school seems awesome, love their courses and offers, the way they genuinely strive for making things the most convenient for the students and it’s not too expensive. I did some basic math, and it seems I could actually afford going here, without loaning too much from the bank. But we’ll see.
York
–  The first school to receive my application, reply to it, give me information and accepting me. But the information they’ve been giving me is only half-hearted. Is almost as if they’re trying to say “Yeah, we’ve got room for you and all, and we’d REALLY like you over here, since you’d be studying abroad. But just don’t get your hopes up. You won’t be fully accepted here.” Driving me bitching crazy! …because I’m actually a tad bit curious about this Uni, and the area it’s located in. Yet, it really doesn’t matter; I am quite certain my grades are not good enough.
Swansea
–  Now, this was initially going to be my first choise, since two of my friends from the school I’ve been attending for the last three years have been accepted there. And this is also why I ran in to my mothers room at 3 in the morning +1 GMT, jumping up and down on her bed singing “I might have a chance there, I might have a chance there!”. Of course, this is a good school, so they would really like to see good grades. I am sorry to inform you that I simply cannot do that. Unless they want to see my friends results. Honestly, I feel a bit disappointed though. I think it might be a bit easier for me to have someone I already know somewhere around me, but not having to be with them ALL. THE. TIME. I am really anxious about the whole “moving-to-the-UK-and-go-study-with-new-people”-thing, and I am deadly afraid of once again becoming the outcast I have been over here. Knowing SOMEBODY, even if they don’t like me so well, would calm me a little. The ones I know who has been accepted there doesn’t seem to _hate_ me, and conversations with them is easy. You know, common grounds and all that. Which would be strengthened in the UK. But shit happens, and I’ll always manage to go by with 2-4 more years of being the one people never recognize as another fellow human being. =^___^=
…and no. The information they have provided me is not really enough for me to even want to apply to their school. xD

The last school I applied to, was Stirling. They were the second school to receive my application, and yet: no reply. Probably not a good sign, eh? xD Oh well. Now, I have ALWAYS been fascinated by Scotland, and my interest in this school is fairly high. (AND, I do believe the famous David Tennant look-a-like vlogger Liam Dryden a.k.á. Littleradge is from around the area. Or study there. Or HAVE studied there.) At any rate, this school is supposed to be good, and they started off with light, necessary information. But unfortunately, it all stopped here. We’ll just have to see what the Internet can tell, me, then! 😀

And thank you so much to Mari from AtP for all her help!

And thank you so much to Mari from AtP for all her help!

Oh, and someone just made my day.
I received a text from an old friend, explaining that he only tried to get a hold of me last night so that he could tell me he’s soon going to be single again. This sort of gave me the distinctive feeling that this certain someone has missed me a bit xD haha ^^

Oh well, I explained to him that he is late with this information. I’ll soon be moving anyway. (And I don’t need old baggage in my closet.)
…maybe I should tell him that since the last time we met, I’ve gotten fat, blonde(!!) and developed an interest in social outcast that kill? xD Hahaha, oh, am I not hilarious? *dies* xD

Music:
Try out both Ke$has album “Animal” and 3OH!3s album “Streets of Gold”.
Actually lot’s of good summertunes there. 😀