Posts Tagged ‘Calcutions’

The New, Old Me

Posted: October 28, 2011 in L A
Tags: , , , ,

This post was originally drafted right after my birthday, but I never had time to finish it, and by now I’ve forgotten what I was on about, what I wanted to say. But since I hate having drafts hanging around, and I remember putting a lot of effort into this post, I will post it anyway. Just about a month too late 😛
So, I almost can’t believe it. I’m 20. I’m fucking 20 years old!
I didn’t really celebrate my birthday, because I didn’t think much of it. Besides, my friends all have school and work to think about, so I didn’t want to bother them with anything. But I wasn’t prepared for this uncanny feeling of actually becoming old. The realization of “I’m no longer a teenager. I’m an adult.” was harsher than I’d expected. I can still remember my last day as 12, and couldn’t wait to become a teenager, because that would give me the official title of “no longer a child”. I STILL HAVE THAT FEELING!! So how the hell can it be that I am past my teens already? :O

It really is remarkable how quickly time passes. I mean, while you’re in the middle of a year, it seems to take forever until it ends, and forever since it began, but then when you look back a year later, you can’t really feel how slowly it went by, and you sort of wish you were back to that day where you sat down and thought about how slowly time passed in the present.
And it scares me in a way, that I will probably ten years from now, sit down and look back to the year and day I became 20 and think “Hah! I though time passed quickly THEN. How fucking foolish the young me was!” I might even search out this old post and re-read it. It’s weird, really.

I have to admit, I wasn’t really prepared for this feeling at all. I knew I was getting older, but that happens every day: we grow a day older, and it doesn’t affect us much at the time, but this one day in our lives, when we celebrate, sort of stands out. It’s on that one day that we can pin-point our history and say “it has been this long since I was born”. I becomes so much more obvious. I sort of resent the feeling I’m having right now, the feeling of inability to deny the fact that I’m no longer a child, nor am I a teenager, I’m an actual adult, in every way possible. I work, I pay taxes, I pay my bills, I have my own apartment, I go to school, I go grocery shopping, I have my drivers license, and I have responsibility. Lot’s of it.

Why do we even celebrate this anymore? I mean… I have this idea in my head, that celebrating birthdays is somehow related to actually CELEBRATING that we have made it through a whole year, that we’re still alive. I know we used to count our age in falls, springs, winters and summers, but now we count in years, months, weeks, days and even hours and minutes. I know EXACTLY the time I was born. 12:51. Which means I can calculate my age down to the minute. It would be easier if I could say that I’m 20 falls of age. And by Christmas, I will be 20 falls and a winter old, if I want to be more precise. They didn’t pin-point the age by the day before. So, in my head, the tradition of celebrating our age by years, is related to surviving a whole other year. Back then, when we measured age by seasons, that wasn’t a given, and would be reason to celebrate. But not now. There is no reason to believe that I, with my genes, generation, contemporary lifestyle and almost total lack of fatal risks, should not live to be a 100! And yet, we find time to celebrate it.
I know celebrating birthdays are somewhat related to  the sense of accomplishment of finishing another year, and it’s connected to the way into adulthood. “Congratulations, kid – you are now one step closer to becoming as miserable as I am. Have fun with that.”