Posts Tagged ‘2011’

Listen while reading 🙂

So, here I am again…
What is going on in my life?
Well, that’s the reason I haven’t been posting much: nothing. Nothing is going on in my life.
I quite like it, it’s not so stressful, and it allows me time to do fun stuff, to rest and to deal with my issues.
2011 has been a particularly bad year for me, with a lot of deaths and bad stuff. I’ve also been ill a lot, but this year is almost over – which gives me hope. When I look back at my life from now on, 2011 will be viewed as a black little space in my lifeline, but I want to come out of it and in later years be able to say “That year was shit, but you won’t believe all the fun I had in 2012!”

I have been a good girl and paid attention to Uni and coursework, I’ve actually showed up for all my lectures and seminars, and if I’ve missed a seminar, I’ve always arranged to go to another seminar to catch up with what I’ve lost. So I haven’t missed a thing. 🙂
I’ve also become a Departmental representative (Dep Rep), which turned out to be way more than expected.  When they pitch the position to you, they say “You’ll be representing all your fellow students in your department, and all you have to do is to go to four meetings per academic year”, which sounds simple enough, even though you learn during your first year that you’ve got about 200 fellow students. So being the Dep Rep for the Sociology department, I expected to represent 200 Sociology(Soc) students for the 2. year, and I expected there to be at least one other Rep alongside me. I was partly right in both expectations. I DO represent 200 Sociology students with at least one other Rep. But we’re four reps so far(from the 2. year Soc Students), and we represent both 2. and 3. year! Which means we’re representing about 400 students! And then there was the surprising turn of us also representing the MCS (Media and Cultural Study) students, which makes it about 800 people to represent! I find this hard to believe though, as we don’t have anything to so with these students, but the information I’ve got so far seems to point in that direction. I must admit, this whole Dep Rep job is a bit confusing, because we seem to only get information on a ‘need-to-know’-basis, except during the meetings, because then we get a lot of information on all sorts of stuff. It wasn’t until I got the first e-mail that I realised I’m in a some committee as well, and have to attend meetings with them. And then I got another e-mail about another committee, and another about yet another, and so on. Apparently, I am part of so many aspects of student/staff – student/university committees and organisations, I can’t even keep count. But I receive e-mails with details on where and when, so I manage to go to them (all except from one). And I’m still kind of liking it, even though it’s way more than expected.

If you’ve read some of my blog before, you might remember me saying that I wanted to get involved in projects where I help with and deal with children. I have been looking and looking, but apparently my searches have not been of good quality, because I’ve only just found something! But I’m way too excited about it to be sad that I couldn’t get involved at an earlier stage 😀 LUSU involve hasn’t been of any interest to me until after I became a Dep Rep, and it wasn’t until a friend of mine signed up for some of these projects, that I really started appreciating them. Hopefully, I’ll get the ever lovely Fani to join me on some of this too 🙂

But let’s move over to my more personal life, and end this whole educational rant 😛
With all my free time now, I’ve spent a whole lot of it catching up with different series and watched, and re-watched, a few films – which is one of the things I sort of need to do from time to time now, since I need to tire myself out mentally to be able to sleep or at least rest. But I’ve found a new show I’m sure a lot of you have heard of before, and I am in love – on so many levels!
American Horror Story, anyone? Heard of it? Yeah? No? Well, it is splendid! And the intro/opening alone is just… wow. If scary/horror-themed things could actually turn me on,  I’d be an open flame of sexual drives after watching it! The giddy feeling I get from it though, and the sort of… Love… I feel for the sheer fiction of it just overwhelms me when I think too hard about it.


As you can see, this video is mirrored, but it’s the best version I can find for now, so bare with it.

And one can obviously guess who I immediately fell in love with. Tate. Wow. It’s such a weird, twisted, sick thing and as if “falling in love” with a fictional character alone isn’t “bad” enough, I had to fall for the most twisted of them all. The dude is psycho, and I can’t help but think “don’t worry too much about it, you’re still allowed to like him!” As if?! If this was real life, I’d be sick even thinking about liking someone like that! But, luckily, this isn’t real life 😉

I have also re-discovered KoЯn, and how much I love them!
  

I have also re-discovered eBay! And MAN am I having fun!
I have ordered so many things by now, and I don’t know what to do with myself O_O
I have absolutely no self control when it comes to buying cheap stuff online xD
I’ve even bought the whole series of ‘The Chronicles of Narnia’ for £7.5 WITH SHIPPING!
I DID bid on the first edition of ‘The Chronicles of Narnia – The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe’, but my friend, being the little fucker he is, OVERBID ME! FIVE SECONDS BEFORE THE END! )@=(¤¤#%&(&/)(=”¤/”=!!!! I’m happy for him and all, but I wanted that book!
I have also bought some very amazing steampunk goggles, and as soon as I get them, I promise I will post a few pictures *overly happy* ❤

And last but not least, I have developed a passion for origami!
I’ve been making butterflies since *insert* after going to a Christian summer camp(don’t ask -___-), and I’ve sort of been known for leaving little butterflies here and there for people to find 🙂 Among those people are Charlotte, my flatmate, I left here some on her bed before I went home for the summer(together with a short letter), but I haven’t thought much of it until she the other day asked me “Do you know how to make paper swans?”
“Ehh… no?”
Two minutes pass.
“Do you want me to know how to make paper swans?”
And this resulted in an army of little paper things now residing in her room 🙂
At this point, I know how to make butterflies, swans, cranes, dragons, hearts, stars, elephants, orchids, koi, rose(sort of), and I’m continuously learning new things to make! Tomorrow, Charlotte and I are planning a little Creative Christmas Workshop for ourselves, where we’ll be making our own Christmas decorations, and I’ll try out some new origami techniques – I CAN HARDLY CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT FOR THIS! 😀 We’ll be going shopping early tomorrow, trying to find candles and glitter and pretty paper and all sorts of fun arts and crafts stuff – and in the evening we’ll be creating Christmas in our home! 😀 This will be so much fun! =^__^=

OrigaME

OrigaME

MOrigami

MOrigami

Origasm

Origasm

This means I have also gone on eBay and ordered a whole lot of origami paper xD
But it’s worth it – definitely!

I guess this will be it from me for today.
I’ll see you in another life when we both are cats 🙂

– L A<3

I carry around with me this sadness in my heart, a sadness which is underlying, not hidden – but still not visible in everyday life.
And this sadness can be triggered by the simplest of things.

Like in sociology, where we’re reading The Communist Manifesto. Manifesto. Just this one word is enough to send my sadness pulsing through me. There are many manifestos out there, but there are only two I am familiar with; the communist one, and Breivik’s. And then I get really sad.

Or like in criminology. Our professor mentioned the ongoing protests, and talked about how they’d been going on “over the summer”. And then I was emotionally overwhelmed with sadness. The summer, huh? Other things happened “over the summer”, which I was more focused upon.
But he moved on, talking about Emil Durkheim, and explained his study on suicide. Suicide. That was enough to trigger both memory and sadness again. It comes pulsing, crashing through me. And all I want to do is pick up my stuff and leave, to find myself an abandoned corner of the school to sit down and cry. But then I have the academic curiosity, as well as the deep, dwelling desire to move on. And so I stay. Only to get distracted by a picture of a cop. And so it all comes back.

But the worst is when I’m in town, either driving by on the bus, or walking through/around, and I see a real, live cop. Just a bobby, out on patrol. Then I don’t get sad. I get scared. Really fucking scared. All my instincts screams out, telling me to back up, move away, run if I can or have to, but “just get the fuck away from there!” And I hate that. Obviously I don’t do as my instincts say, I calm down and continue on my way to wherever I’m supposed to be. But I recent myself and my mind, my painfully obviously strained mental health, for letting me fear so irrationally and desperately the sociopolitical/criminological organ I love and respect because I know they are there to make our lives safer and to protect us. I know this, and yet my stomach twists and turns in knots, I get nauseous and light-headed, overwhelmed with terror and fear for my life when I see them. It’s so irrational, specially coming from me, who had no part of what happened over summer, I get furious with myself for even reacting this way. When I’m done being angry with myself, I get sad again. And when I can cope with my sadness, my body is left empty and drained.

These emotional trips varies from lasting a few seconds to hours and days.  Who am I to have such fears, when I did not even have to go through any such horrors as my friends, comrades, acquaintances and other youths on that island? I was not even a bystander. And I don’t count myself among those who were directly affected by what happened. I had no close connections with anyone who were there. And yet I dare be scared and sad on the behalf of them, them being a minority of people whom I have never, and may never, seen or spoken with? Of course, I knew of a few of the people who were there, and I’m from such a small rural village that I had close friends who were/are close friends with those affected. But I am not among those people. Even so, my brain has the nerve to react like this, like I was there. Of course, even though I was not physically there, my subconsciousness has taken the privilege to portray myself and my friends, family and other acquaintances placed on that island on the day of horror, displaying every single death, every singe drop of blood spilled, to my inner eye whilst I am sleeping. And when I’m resting. I’m under strain, in a constant battle with my body and my mind, distracting myself to the point where I can rest for some time. Sleeping is not easy, because even if I was not there, I still feel like I was. I have been there in my head, so many times, over and over, seeing my loved ones die. Seeing people I have met, under any circumstances, disintegrate in front of my very eyes, like it was real, like it was really happening, over and over and over and over and over and it’s a never ending cycle of bloodbath in my subconsciousness. I am left drained of all energy and to a certain point; lifeless. I was not even there, but in my own, selfish, ignorant way; I might as well have been.

I am dysfunctional and off balance, not to the point of lunacy, but to a point where I question my own intentions. Because I feel like I am alone in being like this, as I should be and hope I am, but being alone in something means there are no one to talk about this with. And so whenever the appropriate topic comes up in a discussion, I find myself bending it one way or the other, twisting the focus to me and to what happened. So I question myself. Am I really as upset and unbalanced as I feel, or do I feel like this simply because I am an attentionwhore? Do I actually need someone to talk to, or with, or do I just have the need to have people feeling sorry for me.
Seeing as my dreams have mainly consisted of night terrors ever since then, and I feel like I’m feeling all these overwhelming emotions, I am tempted to believe these are the actual conditions, but even so, I cannot help but wonder.

I should leave things at this for now, and go find my happy place for some time.
I might actually need it 🙂

– L A♥